The Freakin Firkin

Since my choices for television have been re-opened to me, I have found myself falling back into some of my old favorites, specifically, "American Pickers" and "Pawn Stars." I love these shows not just for their "reality" moments, but because they endear me to a small interest I have always held- antiques.

I haven't had many personal experiences when it comes to purchasing antiques, but my parents have. I seem to recall years back while on a family vacation to Maine when I actually saw my first real antique, courtesy of my mother.

My family and several of my mother's sisters and their families all went up to Maine for a week or two in the summer. One day my mom came back to our shared beach house after enjoying a nice afternoon with my aunts, and she carried something big, round, and wooden in her hands.

"What is that?", we all asked.

My mother, with a pleased smile on her face, replied, "It's a firkin!"

Of course, none of us had any idea what a firkin was, but my mom seemed very happy about it. She infomed us that she and her sisters had gone to an estate sale or auction, and had bought this odd heavy wooden bucket-thing. I still didn't understand what exactly it was and since it didn't really have anything to do with my oh-so important life, I shrugged it off and walked away.

My curiosity was still piqued, however, so when we actually got back to our real house I found myself looking it over again. I was able to make out some kind of painted floral and leaf pattern on the front and thought it did look pretty, especially set against the dark brown wood. Ok, so it looked nice, but what the hell was it for?

My mother tried to explain that in the old days it was basically just a utility bucket used in kitchens or around the house- which is exactly what it ended up doing for us. It helped us around the house by first being the deposit spot for firewood. However, as we were very loudly vocally reminded by my mom that it was an ANTIQUE now, and therefore retired from such hard labor, it spent its remaining days sitting on our stair steps collecting old magazines and toys. It was like setting up a assisted-living village in Sesame Place- not a very dignified end to such a magnificent piece.

We always remembered the "freakin firkin", as my father lovingly coined it whenever my mom hassled him about taking care of it. It might have seemed silly at the time, but my mom introduced me to the idea of obtaining a piece of history; of being able to place your hands on something that was once in the hands of someone from long ago. I always appreciated that, and still do.

As to the current whereabouts of the firkin today...I have no freakin idea.

Livin the Movie Dream Life...

When I was younger I used to have this book that was simply titled, "The IF Book." It was basically a small book loaded with hundreds (maybe thousands) of scenarios. 'If you could pull off any crime in history and get away with it, what would it be?' 'If you had to choose the last piece of music you could listen to before you die, what would it be?'

I always found it both incredibly useful and insightful; useful, because I was never short of a conversation starter, and insightful because I was always fascinated with the answers the people around me had to say.

One of my favorite scenarios was the question "If you could live the life of any movie character whose life would you want?" I pondered this question long and hard for many years, and my answer changed year after year. So I figured I'd share the lives I, at one point in my life, wish I could've had.

*NOTE- Not sure if I ever touched upon this topic before, but if so, sorry for the repeat...

1.) Mary, "There's Something About Mary"- I'm sure there aren't alot of girl that wouldn't love to have Mary's life. Afterall, her friend Tucker basically sums it up for us: she's beautiful, rich... plus has a killer body, loving family, cool job, is athletic, lives in Miami, and is desperately pursued by cute guys.

2.) Indiana Jones, "Raiders of the Lost Ark", et. al.- Yeah, I know what you're thinking...I'm not helping my case that I am, in fact, a heterosexual female. When my dad showed me the movie, "Raiders" I wasn't struck by how handsome and strong Indie was; I was struck by how much I wanted to BE him. Going on mysterious and meaningful adventures to places I'd never heard of, using a whip on bad guys, engaging in car chases, horse chases, boat chases, were all things I desperately wanted to do. So badly, in fact, that I temporarily planned to grow up and become an archaeologist (until my a-hole science teacher decided to burst my bubble, telling me I'd be throwing my money and life away).

3.) Belle, "Beauty and the Beast"- I fancied myself quite a reader when I was a kid. And by " a reader", I mean I religiously read the Sunday comics along with my Garfield and Far Side comic books. But that wasn't all I read. I actually enjoyed reading a bit and when I saw Belle in "Beauty and the Beast" I felt an instant kinship with her. She was the first "princess" in Disney that wasn't just a flat damsel in distress. Plus it didn't hurt that she was beautiful, too.

4.) Xena, "Xena: Warrior Princess"- I realize this was a television show, but I wanted to be Xena so bad when I was younger I have to include her. She was the first live-action female superhero I had ever known, and the fact that she wielded this big sword as bad-ass as any of her male counterparts was awesome (not to mention the fact that she was a PRINCESS on top of it!) Sure there were some moments when her pal Gabrielle appeared to be more than just her sidekick. Still, heroes for us girls are still too far and few between, and Xena wasn't a bad one to have.

Ok, I shared some heartfelt and downright embarrassing admissions here, so now it's your turn to answer the "if" question: "If YOU could live the life of any movie character, whose life would you want?"

Should See TV

Not that I ever really cared about the Superbowl, but it is just the latest thing that I have missed since embarking on this television-embargo. And even if I didn't give a crap about the game itself, I would've liked to have been in on all the watercooler chat about the commercials, the Black Eyed Peas punting their perfomance, and Christina Aguilera straight up bombing the lyrics to a song we are all taught as kindergarteners.

(Yeah I understand it must be nerve-wracking to be in front of millions of people, and that the song is generally considered difficult to sing not only correctly, but well. Still, she's a trained professional, you'd think she would've been sooo overly prepared that something like this wouldn't have happened. But I digress)

Since I'm less than half-way to my finishline, I thought I'd relate just a few of the things I've missed so far....

1.) Conan- Both on the Tonight Show AND his own new show (plus all the funny promos I was told about). I will admit I never bothered to stay up to watch his show way back when, but I always did enjoy his humor whenever I caught glimpses or reruns. So when everyone was breaking down into camps like the freaking Civil War, I was left standing in the middle, wondering what I was missing.

2.) The Chilean Miners- Granted, alot of the news about them was readily available via the radio and online news reports. Still, I can't help but think that this is one time that the imagination would be better replaced with seeing the actual footage of the men being rescued. Bummer, but maybe Hulu will offer that as a free video soon.

3.) The World Cup- I'm by no means a hardcore fan of ANY sport, but if I had to make a choice, I could sit in a bar, sip a beer, and watch a soccer game. I dunno, maybe it's because everything always seems to be moving (and that the soccer players aren't bad to look at), or maybe it's because when I was abroad it was what everyone was obsessed with and I wanted to try and fit in. Either way I developed a fondness for the game, and would get genuinely excited when the matches would be country vs. country, so when I realized I'd be missing it during this boob-tube hiatus...damnit. And then the fact that it won't happen again for another four years...goddammnit.

4.) The New Season of....- It's always a bit torturous to go home and visit my fam and every television in the house is tuned to a show I want to watch. And when it's a whole new season of shows like American Pickers or Real Housewives of New York or Project Runway, it really sticks in my craw. Although I will say this draught has helped clear the crappy-television clutter from my brain, making me realize when I do watch television again which shows I'd keep and which I'll toss.

There's a bunch more I'm sure, and maybe I'll make this a monthly thing where I recap some television-related events I've missed (or don't). But seeing as it's getting late, I better hit the ol' sack.

Goodnite television viewers.

Nineties Nostalgia

s

---from Georgia

About a week or so ago I came downstairs and noticed Joe was watching "The State" on Netflix, and laughing profusely. I had heard of this show before but I never paid much attention to it until Joe began telling me how fantastic it was. So I sat down next to him on our sofa and watched. Much to my surprise and delight, it was as funny as he described it. And it got me thinking of another show I could allow myself to watch: Beavis and Butthead.

I can hear you intellectuals groan and see you roll your eyes. No, it may not be the smartest show that ever existed, but it will always sort of hold a special place in my heart. Allow me to explain...

Whenever my parents used to have their friends over for parties, my sister and I would sneak upstairs to watch Mtv, the "forbidden" channel. If it wasn't the overtly sexual music videos that turned my mother off enough to ban us from watching Mtv, the nightime cartoons, known as "Mtv Oddities", offered the final blow. But being kids and curious we figured that on those Saturday nights we stood the best chance of tuning in.

I can recall turning off the lights and sitting on the floor of our shared room, getting comfortable while waiting to be sure our parents were distracted enough, and then flipping on in time to chatch Beavis and Butthead. We then proceeded to laugh our asses off while trying to not be too loud so as to tip of our unwary parents. It was one of the earliest times I can recall laughing so hard I couldn't breathe and my sides actually hurt. It was also one of the first shows my sister and I bonded over.

So as I scanned Netflix's selections I was pleased to see that they carried three separate collections of Beavis and Butthead cartoons. I settled in on my couch and proceeded to once agin, laugh my ass off. Maybe not as totally hard as I used to, but I still got up trying to catch my breath.

It's not just what these shows were about, it was of what they reminded us, not to get all Jerry Springer: Final Thought on you. They're like little gems of nostalgia that bring up memories of who we were back then, who we watched them with, and why we tuned in. Or if not, at least they can still make us laugh hard. Uhh uhhh, hard.

Halfway Home

I'm really starting to miss television, isn't that pathetic? And I'm only halfway there...but it's not even the shows I miss. I mean, how can I miss such stellar shows like "The Jersey Shore" or "Billy the Exterminator." And it is nice to not have the constant bombardment of ads. Think abut it..for about 22 minutes of show you see 8 minutes of commercials, and that really starts to add up.

I can already hear certain members of my family scoffing and calling me a hypocrite or self righteous. I was hoping to be clapped on the back like a person who had finally quit smoking, but instead I'm looked upon as just a quitter. They are right to scoff; for one I've been an obsessed television watcher for most of my life, turning into a virtual zombie sitting on my bed watching my small screen of reruns with a towel on my head after taking a shower four hours ago. The other question is why now? For that, all I can say is...why not now? I've been meaning to read and write more, figure out what to do with the rest of my life, enjoy walks and being around three dimensional people; all things that television was imprisoning from doing.

And I'm sure my friends out there who do smoke would say trying to quit smoking and trying to quit television are not the same, and they'd be right. Quitting television is MUCH harder. At least the government has gone ahead and done alot of the work by banning it in restaurants, movie theaters, bars, aquariums, museums, hospitals, airports, etc. And if the inconvenience doesn't do it, the cost will, at nearly $8 a pack. I was spending well over $120 a month for television and Internet. And everywhere EVERYWHERE I go there are television sets propped up somewhere, pleading and tempting me to watch their screens. It doesn't matter which side of the table I sit, a television will without a doubt be nearby.

My biggest fear is causing an inconvenience among my friends. Take last Sunday- we went over our friends apartment for dinner and I placed myself purposely with my back to the television, which was showing football. I kept thinking someone was about to ask me an intense question as they leaned forward. Only when they yelled an obscenity or clapped their hands in victory did I realize they were referring to what was occurring behind me. Even at Joe's parents house, I felt compelled to keep my back to the television, trying to make sure I wasn't in the way nor being antisocial. I also feel bad because I don't want anyone to have to rearrange plans or be a problem to anyone. After all, this is my crazy ambition and other people shouldn't have to pay for it.

I don't mind, truthfully. What I really miss is being part of the water cooler conversations. It's truly amazing how much people bond and begin conversations with, "Oh, man did you see last night's episode?" or "Have you ever seen...". Not a day goes by where I don't hear around me people catching each other up on missed moments or neglected scenes.

But here I am, and I think maybe I'll even tighten the strings a bit more and watch less of Netflix, except for movies and documentaries. If I can make it this long, who knows...let's just pray it's a mild winter and we don't get snowed in...

Falling for You

Yes, I'm aware that I was negligent in posting yesterday, so to make up for it I'm gonna post something on Friday. It's really surprising that I'd forget, because I actually have a few good topics I wanted to cover this week.

First up, for this Tuesday, is my idea of the funniest thing ever. Some like the pie in the face, others like a well-paced walk-into-the-door. To me, the idea of slapstick is at it's best when it involves humans and slipping. I mean really, is there anything more humorous when you see someone have complete control one minute and then suddenly land square on their butt? Hell, whenever I've done it, I can never seem to stop laughing. I remember one of our childhood traditions was to sit around and watch "America's Funniest Home Videos" with the charmingly goofy (and surprisingly dirty) Bob Saget. For us, nothing was better than when it looked like the camera was all framed for a nice heartwarming shot, and then the bride slips in the middle of her reception. Hilarious

Whenever I'm in need of a good laugh my mind always seems to drift to scenes from television or movies where people trip or are falling. You ever watch any of that reality show, "The Osbournes"? There was an episode I used to watch over and over again just so I could see the montage scene of all the times Kelly tripped and fell.

Or how about in that movie, "Honeymoon in Vegas" when James Caan is trying to keep up with Sarah Jessica Parker on their hike, and as she cross the camera you see Caan not really paying attention and then suddenly just drops out of the scene via a ditch in the ground? Crap, that stuff still makes me smile.

I guess I really noticed this comedic inclination lately, since I bought these damn flip flops that are completely smooth on the bottom. I have lost count how many times I have fallen while wearing these shoes (and I'm not exactly helped by all the wood floors in the townhouse). I'm seriously waiting for the day I completely fall down the stairs, in which I will be crying with tears of laughter in between tears of pain.

The other day I was in the yard playing with Georgia, trying to chase after her, when my foot slipped briefly on wet grass and I surprised myself with a near split (of the pants as well...yikes). And then later on Joe and I were walking out of Target (the scene of tomorrow's topic, too) I was talking to him about something when my foot slipped off the curve of the curb and had to fling my arms behind me to regain balance.

I'd like to say I laugh only at myself or characters on television, but chances are, if you slip or trip around me, I'll 1.) make sure you are ok, and if you are 2.) begin to, hopefully, laugh with you, but if you are not 2.) help you to a chair and then excuse myself to laugh in the bathroom.

I remember a story my sister Linds told me years ago back in high school about how she was at a party and as she was making her way into the basement where her friends were her giant shoe (this was when Frankenstein-sized platform shoes were the rage) slipped and caused her to slide down the stairs on her butt. I remember even then bawling my eyes laughing, split between imagining her with those huge shoes and the scene from "Clueless" where Ty falls down the stairs. Even as I'm typing this I'm trying to suppress a laugh.

Hell, I even laugh at my DOG, as if I wasn't evil enough. The other day Georgia surprised me by trying to jump onto our bed. I had just made it, smoothing out the ends, when I see this little brown body fling itself at the bed, her grip slipping and her head and front paws pop up before crashing back down. Haha, aww I made sure she was ok, but God, I almost couldn't breathe.

I dunno, I could be just me, but it's an oldie and goodie in my opinion. I never laugh at intentional slips, they have to be completely spontaneous and unexpected. And also, causing no physical damage, cuz then I just feel bad. Well, unless of course I don't make it to someplace private and I start laughing right in front of you. But just know, even as I'm wiping away tears and gasping for breath, I really DO want to know, "are you ok?"

Death by Stupidity

Back when I was watching television, there was two shows that I would watch occasionally but then never want to watch again. Which shows? One was called "1000 Ways to Die" and the other was "CSI" (the original, and in my opinion, the only one that really matters). Both entertaining in completely different ways. But where they differed was the fact that in one, you could be amazed at where the story goes, while the other merely freaked you out in the end.

For me, I enjoyed watching CSI because of the interesting plot lines and characters. They gave you the benefit of never really knowing where the story was going to go, and who/what the culprit of the murder would be. Getting there was half the fun.

On 1000 Ways to Die, you were more waiting for the punchline at the end. And if you aren't aware of this show, it's basically about all the horrible and inventive ways people have either died or killed themselves (usually by accident). However, they would tell the story through humorous reenactments and then conclude the story with a funny one-liner.

Both appearing to be highly entertaining shows right? The difference is that, although CSI based alot of its stories on actual events, you could still talk yourself into remembering that it is a scripted show. 1000 Ways, on the other hand, basically completely retells these horrible and ironic ways people DID actually die, and if that weren't enough, they bring on experts to talk in depth about the specific science behind how they died. And that used to FREAK me out, because there really ARE alot of dumb ways you can die, and I should know, because I almost died from my own stupidity recently.

I was pulling out of the garage of my office and turned left. I was about to cross the Light Rail train tracks when I suddenly saw the red lights flashing, indicating an incoming train. I was about to just back up to get on the outside of the guard rails that were coming down when I realized they had already come down. Panic-stricken, I quickly made a U-turn and drove back to the garage to turn around all over again. It wasn't till I was safely behind a couple of the cars waiting for the train did I realize that I probably should've just kept going straight (since the rails didn't go down from the side I would've come out on). I just kept thinking it was going to be like a cartoon where you look one way for a second and then BAM a freaking steamroller shows up and flattens you. It's the Light Rail, for god's sake, the damn thing screeches like a strangled sea gull, which tells you it's not exactly running smooth anyway.

Still, I kept thinking the scenario over and over in my head, thinking about being plowed over by a hulking speeding mass of metal, and it took away my better judgment and logic. I should probably be worried about that. The fact that if the shit hit the fan I wouldn't really know what to do kinda bothers me.

And then I'd just end up being another one of those stories on those shows. Maybe they would find my lifeless body and be able to tell by the large amounts of adrenaline (and by the fact my hands would just be covering my face still) that I hadn't really thought about trying to save my life. Or they'd give me the punch line, "Train-in Wheels". Sad sad.

Was this a bleak post? Don't worry, tomorrow's will be about Baltimore's Restaurant week and I'll review my meal tonight at Gertude's. Savor this!

My View

**UPDATE**The Living Year- Day 43

And people thought I should just do one month...well look at me now folks! Over a month visually sober, and I can already feel some brain cells becoming re-charged. I feel like George when he has to give up sex and finds himself to be a walking genius...yet the really surprising thing would be for me to make a non-television reference. Oh well, baby steps...

While I can honestly say I really don't notice the fact that I'm not watching television anymore, it does present itself in odd ways. In one instance, the Verizon lady came to install our Internet and when she asked if we were going to get television as well, I proudly replied, "Actually, no. I gave up television...for a whole year!" She didn't try to push the extra service, nor did she seem particularly impressed, but just smiled and said, "Oh ok. Well, if you do decide to, here's my card."

The only other times I really notice is when people are retelling a certain scene of an episode of something. And I really don't find myself dying to tune in to anything...except for maybe The View.

Now, I'm sure alot of you will say what a waste that would be. To break a promise of giving up tv for a year and be tempted by a show like that? My only defense would be that sometimes, that show is worth the extra few deleted brain cells. Especially for the episode I heard about on the "Mike O'Meara Show" in which Kathy Griffin butt-slammed Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

From what I can recall, Elisabeth was complaining about something Kathy said, and Kathy in response, basically gave her an "F You". Not exactly, but in some other choice witty/dirty words. (I know, that's a really shitty recap)

It's moments like that I wish I was home still in my pajamas, watching to my heart's content while eating a bowl of Rice Krispies and a bagel. Back when Rosie was the cohost, you could forget about me being anywhere from 11 to 12 during the week- that was event television. But since she left, the show hasn't been as surprising or controversial. Sure, Whoopi is good cuz she's pretty level-headed. And I do enjoy Joy's commentary. However, Kathy is the closest to a real spit-fire that they can get to really rub Elisabeth's face in it.

I know few people like The View, and even fewer like Kathy Griffin. I enjoy the Hot Topics segment where you actually get some honest discussions going and some legitimate information before they start ass-kissing whatever television star is there to plug some made-for-television movie. And as for Kathy- while she's not ALWAYS on her game, I appreciate how she tries to keep herself in check and does a good job at reminding us that the idea of celebrity is as fake as Cheez Whiz. While she humorously tries to make it to the top, she can't help but show how authentically human and normal she is.

That's my view, anyway...

Scratchin' the Itch

I'm a little uncomfortable today people. I think I've got about 23 bug bites all over me. And this is a problem for me, as a person whose sleeping pattern requires sticking a foot (one, not both) outside the covers, which leaves any exposed flesh like a freaking Vegas buffet to these damn mosquitoes. And why do these damn bugs bite you in the absolutely most uncomfortable spots? I got two right over the bone of my foot, the BONE I tell you! Ugh. Plus I got one on my ankle, so it feels really good whenever my foot shifts in my shoe and rubs right against it, igniting the itch-craze all over again. Merde!

Anyway, onto the update...

**UPDATE**The Living Year

I feel a little bit guilty. I didn't cheat! But because we got the puppy (who is requiring more and more watching, it turns out) I feel like I can't really even read. And this is my trashy-romance novel season! So because of that (and because I still had an unused gift certificate to Amazon all the way from Christmas) I figured I'd purchase a couple of DVDs.

This is NOT cheating. As I have stated before, I am allowed to watch television-DVDs provided they are shows not normally readily available or that I've watched to an obsessive amount.

The first one was Insomniac with Dave Attel, Vol. 1, and Jim Gaffigan's "Beyond the Pale". Insomniac was a show that I did love years ago, and lasted for a few seasons but then just disappeared. I really don't know why, it really was a genius concept- combine a travelling show with a drunken comedian. It's like chocolate and peanut butter, some things are just meant to go together. Plus Dave Attel is pretty funny anyway, I would probably watch him clip his toenails and find it humorous. I guess the Stop n' Shot thing (and if you don't know about that let me know) is kinda my homage to that show, though I lack the humor (and liver) to really capture that exact formula. Hence my need for a couple of hosts that I can just direct- and force to take shots FOR me.

"Beyond the Pale" was actually a last second thing. Amazon LOVES to get you this way--they dangle free shipping in your face provided you spend a certain amount of money, which is pure evil genius, b/c even if you think you are getting something for free you end up eating up the savings but purchasing extra crap you didn't even want! But I just wanted to spend this damn gift certificate before I lost it all together. Besides, I love Jim Gaffigan alot anyway, so I didn't mind. Does anyone else enjoy him? He always struck me as a highly underrated comedian. My only complaint that I have is as I watched the DVD I realized he told a few jokes that I really think I heard told by Kevin James or Adam Ferrera, but then again I can't be sure who did them first....and besides, how many different "Moses in the Desert" or "The Unhealthy Diet of Americans" jokes can you create?

I still enjoyed both, laughed my ass off in fact. But just for you naysayers I also ordered a book to read too...the Weird NJ-Vol 2, so suck on that!

Well, I gotta slip out now. See you tomorrow!

Lucy Love

Happy to have my Internet back but as you can see, I'm back to my old habits of waiting to the VERY last minute to post. So sorry about that.

BUT you will be happy/impressed/interested to know I have kept to my challenge of not watching TV, and speaking of that, let's get to the update...

**UPDATE**The Living Year: Day 14

Still getting by with no TV, and honestly haven't been missing it all THAT much. Like I said before, it only gets difficult at night and when Joe is out. The silence freaks me out so I have to have the radio on. Or...now don't turn on my until I explain...I've been watching old "I Love Lucy" DVDS.

Ok, I can hear you guys calling foul on me but I think I figured out a way to justify it. For one, they aren't on regular television, so I can't get sucked into the cycle of watching show after show after show, wondering where the hell my day went. Also, I realized the fact that I'm lazy is a benefit and keeps me honest. After all, it takes alot more "work" to get up, go through the different discs, and then switch one out for another (as opposed to say, picking up a book and laying horizontally for a few hours). So I really haven't been watching that many, just when Joe's at rehearsal or with his buddies.

And really, I Love Lucy is the only show I have been doing this with, and actually, I think I'm appreciating this show in a whole new way. It kinda reminds me of this article I read about ways to be healthier with food, one of which describes how you should sit and savor the foods you eat, tasting every nuance and subtlety, instead of just mindlessly shoveling it in just to satisfy your hunger.

Since I'm no longer shoveling random shit in front of my eyes, it's like I'm seeing one of my old favorite shows for the very first time, savoring every joke and admiring every delicate display of genius comedic timing. Maybe this is the old lady in me (it's a rare condition) talking, but they just don't make shows like this anymore.

Granted, sometimes the show is a little too corny or old-fashioned. Like for instance, when Lucy thinks Ricky may be screwing around with his new dancer, the worst she can call him is a "Big Stinker". Ouch, Lucy, pull back the talons.

But then again, sometimes I get a little surprised at actually how modern it can be. In another episode Ethel and Fred are arguing (little fun fact: did you know the actors who played Ethel and Fred Murtz- Vivian Vance and William Frawley- didn't get along in real life either? Vance was insulted at the idea of even pretending to be married to Frawley who was a good deal older. Frawley, in turn, often resorted to name-calling and even stalled the production of some episodes due to their bickering), and when Lucy makes a comment about it, Ethel replies, "Are you kidding? This is how we make love". I know, gasp! Even though back in that time "making love" to a person could be as innocent as kissing their hand, it HAD to still have some sexual connotations. And to hear that come out of the mouths of these black and white characters frozen in the idealistic 50s is pretty shocking. But then again, the feminist in me (she hangs out with the old lady in me) often struggles between love and hate for the show due to its time period as well.

One one hand, I see the sit-com featuring the ideal little housewife. Lucy doesn't work, she cries or wheedles to get what she wants, and has to live in fear of being cut off for buying another hat (and speaking of which, when did the idea of wearing hats go out of fashion? It seems so abrupt. Back in the day women didn't have just a snow hat, they actually wore hats for fashion. Hell, even all men wore hats. And nowadays, not so much. I dunno, just curious if anyone has any insight to why the fad faded). On the surface, she embodies everything the feminist sought to destroy. The idea that we were nothing but housekeepers and cooks, grateful as long as we had a man to take care of us, was exactly what I Love Lucy tended to perpetuate. I remember another episode where Lucy actually DOES finally achieve some show business attention and Ricky appears downtrodden and upset. He tells her he just wants "a wife who will clean the house, bring him his pipe, cook his meals, and be the 'mama' for his children". And Lucy, giving up her dream to satisfy her husband's wishes, happily complies by offering him a fresh-baked pie. I mean, what the hell is THAT? I know, I'm reading too much into that. And I could go on and on about the symbolism of that--offering him her pie....you know what I mean, but that would be neglectful of the OTHER side of the argument.

On the other hand, I see Lucille Ball as a hero- a comedienne who displayed not only beauty and charm, but the facial expressions and body movements that would rival comedians today (you hear that Jim Carrey?) She was a master at timing, hitting a joke or comment with such perfection it caught you off guard. I've seen these episodes for years now, and yet still I find myself spitting out my food and nearly choking because I was laughing so hard. One great example of this is in an episode where Lucy hosts a seance and in order to make certain their guest, Ricky's intended boss, makes contact, she sneaks off to pretend to be the voice of his beloved Tilly. Lucy accidentally sneezes, to which the boss replies, "Tilly, you are sneezing. Are you sick?" Lucy pauses for just a beat and then replies, "Sick? I'm DEAD". I know the humor is lost written out, but trust me, it's funny. I'm still smiling to myself about it. And I don't think I ever noticed that line before as much. But thanks to this little pet project I can actually enjoy these great moments of classic television.

Anyway, damnit, I keep trying to keep these things short but they just seem to run away from me. Oh well, till tomorrow beloved readers!

Commie-cast

So Comcast (a.k.a. the bane of my existence) has finally caught on that I haven't paid the bill in two months, so they helped me out by just shutting our cable off. However, they also shut the Internet off too, so I am forced to use the Internet wherever possible and in short increments.

Therefore, until we get this straightened out, my posts are going to have be a bit shorter and probably not as deep or thought provoking (you saying, "were they ever?" doesn't help).

They gave me plenty of notice, but seeing as how I'm in this challenge thing (and besides the fact that this is now the 3rd or 4th time they've shut us down) it doesn't really phase me. Just inconvenient is all.

It also sorta sucks cuz Joe and I found this pretty sweet townhouse which we filled applications out for and they are probably running our credit as we speak. Something tells me a glaring red REJECTED stamp is in our immediate future.

But I swear Comcast is KNOWN for being extra-douchey. I once tried to pay the bill to get the Internet turned back on and when I called all I got was a lousy tape recorder telling me to, "easily pay your bill online at comcast.com". Really asses? How the hell am I supposed to do that? Spend $10 in coffee at Starbucks and then another whatever amount just to use their wifi? Or hoof it to the library just to wait on line for a computer to free up and then rush like Satan out of Hell before my time is up?

Another time I had to pay for it to be turned back I actually got someone on the phone. They cheerfully informed me that to do it over the phone would cost a "convenience fee" of $14.95. Doesn't that just kick you right in your pancreas? I asked, "really, a fee?" and they said, 'Well, it's free if you do it online." Somehow it seemed pointless to remind them that I was actually without Internet, (hence the reason I was calling).... it just would've made my head hurt. So what are you supposed to do? Im usually too lazy (hence the reason the bill got out of hand in the first place) to try and bicker or hang up only to get to this same point online elsewhere, so like a jack-ass I hand over my checking account info and pay the amount (plus the total b.s. so-called convenience fee).

I'd say I'd try another carrier, however I haven't heard any are remarkably better.

Anyway, now that I've gotten my rant out of the way, let's move on...

**Update**THE LIVING YEAR- Day 8

You know, it's days like this where it's particularly tough. In case you are not one of the few people that are reading this AND live in Baltimore, let me describe the weather: bleak. Warm, but bleak. There's a grayness out that makes me want to curl up on the couch and watch so many episodes of "Friends" or "American Pickers" my eye balls might burn out (a la "Raiders of the Lost Ark").

Plus it doesn't help that people are busy. Busy busy busy. I understand the need for extra work hours or previous commitments, even fatigue. But since I now have all this freed up time, I guess I figured the people around me would be free as well.

I don't mean to make this sound so "oh woe is me", but I guess that was always one of the reasons I clamped onto television so much. Those characters were my friends, my companions. Available at the drop of a hat, and with no work involved...merely flip it on and you're not alone anymore. Now that they are gone (combined with this depressing weather) I'm feeling the pangs of loneliness.

Again, I don't mean to sound so depressing, and really I understand that people have their lives to live too. It just goes to show how warped my brain was--to think all people hung out together from day in to day out in coffee houses or apartments. But it's not like that here in 3-D world.

I love my friends out here in the real world, I'd do anything for them. What i need is someone who is as pathetic as I am i think. Someone who is out there reading this and saying, YES! I want to mull over why life sucks at a dark dive bar sipping on whiskey instead of staring at a electronic box longing for companionship.

Are you out there friend? It's me, Marginally Depressed.

Oh well, maybe I just need a fish or hampster or something.

Wow, sorry this got so bleak, lol. I promise, laughs will ensue tomorrow!

The Living Year: Day 6

tv tv tv tv tv tv tv tv....

Ok, so it's not THAT bad yet, but I think I'm finally hitting the point of television withdrawal. I hear the shows in my head still- Chandler's quips, Seinfeld's smarm, Rose's naivety. And when I'm not thinking about that I am thinking about EVERYTHING. I can not believe how much talking in my head I have done in the past 6 days, and I can't even tell if I always did that or if it's just because my mind is no longer shut off with the tv on.

Seriously, my mind will not stop going and going, and it's not even for any deep introspection really. It's as if my mind has become it's own dramatist, recalling detail after detail of the actions surrounding me. For example in my mind I would be saying: 'Kris reaches into the refrigerator and grasps that last can of Diet Coke. She winces as the tab tugs hard on her nail, causing it to bend backwards.' 'Joe meanders into the kitchen, singing in a high-pitched mocking tone of some song as he looks for a snack.' 'As Kris peers out the window near her cubicle she notices the blackening clouds approaching and waits hopefully for the spark of lightning.'

It seems as if everything I am doing or noticing is being recorded for a book or play. And I think the reason is because I've reverted back to reading as much as I can, which is making me think constantly in terms of prose. It means I'm either going nuts or I simply can not exist without some sort of story going on (or maybe both).

I did get close last night to reaching for the remote though. You would think that my ingrained daily routine of turning the television on would be cause me to break, but actually, that's not my desperate hour. The time when it is really going to be tough is as night, as I learned while trying to sleep.

Now, I don't feel ashamed to admit that I am 26 years old and still afraid of the dark. Ever since I was a kid I could remember being freaked out by total darkness, so much that I'd sometimes force my eyes open just so I could stay on constant watch, should someone (or something...?) try to sneak up on me. It wasn't enough having my sister sleeping in the bed across the room, knowing I wasn't alone. For some reason I still always believed whatever was coming was coming for me, and my sister would be no help.

My parents tried to help me find solutions. It wasn't enough just trying to remind me that there was no one there, all it would take would be a creak in the house or the wind howling and my eyes would pop back open. So they gave me a radio to listen to. Unfortunately, the radio kept my sister awake so my parents gave me headphones instead. While that did work for some time I found that either I'd have to often change the station (this was during the time all that Ace of Base, Real McCoy techno-crap was popular- not exactly lullabies) or be subjected to the top hits of Spanish radio.

Finally, since we had a tv in the room, my parents showed me how to operate the sleep timer on it. This is yet another piece to my television addiction puzzle. From then on, I relied heavily on this method. It allowed me the company of the light and sound until I fell asleep and then the tv would go off, no longer disturbing my sister. I used to do this ever since, until now.

Last night started off fine. I had been reading and that (combined with our wonderful day at the Great Grapes Wine Fest with our buddies Heather and Dylan-my 6th FOLLOWER!) was enough to make me tired. Joe settled in next to me and I clicked the lamp off. As I was trying to get comfortable I kept tossing and turning, kicking one leg here, pushing my arm there, trying to find both the warm and cool spots on the mattress. The longer it seemed to take me to fall asleep, the more aware I became of the darkness in the room. Now granted, I have been sleeping in this same bedroom for the past two years AND my boyfriend was right beside me. Yet I still couldn't help being keenly aware of the darkness and shadows around me. And that's when I realized; it's not just the dark that freaks me out, but its the empty sound. When it's too quiet, all I keep expecting is a loud noise. I try to not focus on anything, let the sounds all blend together, yet the more I try to mute everything it seems the louder the smallest sounds become.

I was trying like hell to turn my mind (which also enjoys fucking with me at nighttime) and ears off, racing to be asleep before my fears set in. And then I heard it. A distinctly odd sound. My eyes shot open again. It freaked me out so much I almost considered tapping Joe to wake him. And then I felt for the remote. I almost had it completely in my grip when I let it drop back to the carpet. No, I'm not going out, not yet, not now.

And then I pulled out my ace in the hole, my lucky sleeping charm: Peter Pan. Allow me to explain....You ever see the cartoon Disney version of Peter Pan, and in particular, the scene when he has Tinker Bell sprinkle the kids with fairy dust and they fly to Neverland? When I was a kid, that scene was my mantra. I used to visualize that scene over and over again, until it chased my fear away. I guess I liked its' message: think happy thoughts and you
ll get to fly. I even used to go so far as to leave my slippers and robe by my bed JUST IN CASE the story was true and Peter Pan ever stopped by (afterall I wanted to be prepared).

So there I was, all 26 years of me, visualizing that scene for the umpteenth time, and honestly, that's the last thing I remembered before I finally passed out. Not only did I manage to salvage a few hours of sleep, but I managed to avoid breaking my oath.

But I can tell you, it's gonna get difficult. I can only imagine my urge right now the size of a pea, sitting right in the pit of my stomach. I believe that as the days pass, this little pea is gonna start to grow. I just have to get through this withdrawal, and get to the other side. Wish me luck another day!

Crushin' on Crustacean (cont.)/ Day 1

Sorry about my abrupt ending. Joe insisted I stop typing and go right to bed (and seeing as how it was getting kinda late I felt I had no choice...but in any case, we now bring you the conclusion of "Crushin' on Crustacean")

On the Jersey shore, especially in the summertime, it is pretty common to order steamed clams (or "steamers" as they are called). I remember when I first arrived here in Baltimore and locals kept talking about "picking crabs" and "crab feasts". I figured the feast-thing out (just assuming it means eating ALOT of crab) but picking? Was it such a special thing to pick out what crabs to eat and which to leave behind? I was then schooled that it meant picking the meat out. When I finally did have the chance to engage in this Marylander tradition I immediately saw why people enjoyed it so. Not just because the crab meat is so good; it's really not even about that. It's about people coming together at a big picnic table, breaking nails (and sometimes skin) to get the precious morsels out, and all with plenty of beer and laughs. It's casual, messy, and summery--my kind of fun.

But anyway, back to the lobster: To kick off my birthday Joe suggested we check out the Reef Grille, a local place nearby that we've wanted to try for a while. When we got there we found out that the special for the night was whole lobster with two sides for $15.95. We were led to our table and as we chatted and sipped cocktails we noticed how every table around us was being delivered a cherry-red whole lobster. And sure enough the wheels in my brain began to turn. The waiter came around and asked if we were ready to order entrees. I was really curious about the lobster, but uncertain at the same time. Most of my experience with them was when they were already in pieces. How the hell did you even eat one of those things?

I asked the waiter what he suggested, a thing I'm actually starting to get into a habit of doing (chances are, if they like it--and are surrounded by it all the time--it should be good).

"Honestly, I would go for the crab cake or the lobster. The lobster is really phenomenal," he said.

"Oh, wow, and they do look really good. I'm just not sure how to go about eating one," I said, sheepishly.

"I tell you what. I'll crack it for you in the right place and make it easy for you," he said smiling.

And with that I handed him the menu and sealed my fate. We waited a little while longer and finally they brought out Joe's pasta and my big lobster. He had cracked it, but I still struggled a bit. But as I started getting my fingers in and nabbed a piece here and there, it really began reminding me of the way one picks crabs. I took a sliver of meat, dipped in the butter, and suddenly....I was in heaven. It was incredibly rich, but my GOD was it good. I was cracking every claw, sucking down piece after piece. I almost completely neglected my sides of potatoes and broccoli. I FINALLY tasted what my parents had fallen in love so many years ago.

Sure, my arteries will probably clog alot sooner than I had hoped, but it will be well worth it. It may be the first time I REALLY tasted lobster, but I don't intend on it being the last.

***UPDATE: TV CHALLENGE 2010

Well, here I am, 26 years old and 2 days less of being mentally accosted by television. As you, my wonderful readers, already know, I have sworn off t.v. for a year. And as I hoped, I AM already starting to notice different things.

For one, I am amazed at how absolutely unnecessary all that tv was. I always used to give in to the compulsion. I would come home from work, put my purse and keys down, take off my shoes, pick up the remote and turn on the t.v. For the past 2 years that was my routine, everyday. I never cared what was on, I'd always find something tolerable, but the tv was on. It gave me company, like a friend who talks and talks and talks about nothing really important but you enjoy the sound of whatever they're talking about.

Mealtimes were the same thing. Anytime I was home and I had either made something or brought home take-out, I would sit at the table and flip the tv on. I would watch while I was eating, then sit for a few minutes, and then finally settle on the couch for the next 6 hours. Sitting, laying, feet up, watching, watching, watching.

But now...it really feels like I have an opening. Not an emptiness, but as if I had a clog for so long and now its finally been cleared.

I have time. I NEVER had time. I lived and breathed by the idiot box. I would time when to hit the bathroom or the fridge perfectly between commercial breaks. It's surreal, but I'm not hating it...yet.

Anyway, I began yesterday (which, granted, was an easy day). We both came home from work and between trying to figure out where to go for dinner and what to do for my birthday, it was easy to ignore the t.v. Today really felt like the real thing.

I came home from work. Joe was still out on the film set and I knew he wouldn't be home for hours. Here we go. The important thing was just to not make it a big deal in my head. I busied myself with all the things I wanted to do tonight, simply walking by the big black elephant in the room.

I was starving so I made myself a frozen Smart Ones and sat at the table. Silence. I won't lie, it was probably the first time I really noticed that the tv wasn't on, and I started to get a little antsy. But as I ate, I flipped through a flyer from the mail, and before I knew it I was done eating. I stood up, took my plate to the sink, and went into the bedroom to start reading. It hit me as I laid down: eating doesn't take me 45 mins, it took me prob less than 10. And yet I used to sit at that table for so long. I used to think eating without the tv on would be awful, because it took so long to eat. But it doesn't take long to eat, it takes long to remove my ass from the chair. I'd sit there, a prisoner of my own laziness and habits.

Though some may disagree, the best way I can compare this experience so far is like a person quitting smoking. It's really not the actual thing you are missing, it's the habit of doing it. Like how people always have a mug of coffee or beer in one hand, their cigarette is always in their other. TV went with everything: after work, before dinner, cooking dinner, after dinner, before bed, weekends, rainy days, lazy days, sick days, days off, etc.

People I've been telling keep suggesting that I just cut back instead of cutting cold turkey. I think few people realize just how many negative things were caused by my incessant watching. It made me late, it made me lazy, it made me boring, it made me read less and write hardly ever.

I know I'll probably stumble (I'm human and we live in an entertainment obsessed culture), but if for anything I've got to try this for myself. As long as I can.

And besides, I've only got 362 more days to go....right?

The Living Year

Some people quit cigarettes. Others stop drinking. As anyone who has known me for a long time knows my addiction of choice is television. I have been battling this disease for years now, and let me tell you...it is debilitating. It also shocks me that in this day and age of passing the blame and medications and group therapies, I have yet to hear of a television watching support group. Probably because there's no funding because there's no way to advertise, unless you put it on t.v...but then that defeats the whole point doesn't it?

But the time for me to turn off is nigh. And I intend to do so for....wait for it...a whole year. Yes, yes I can hear your gasps as you sit in your cubicles or on your beds reading this. Be calm, my readers, for like Frodo joining Gandalf on the lovely giant Goonies Pirate Ship (in probably the 3rd or 4th ending that Peter Jackson couldn't seem to make his mind up for), the time has come.

Why, you make ask, would I finally choose now to quit? Several reasons...

1.) I walked to my car the other night and I didn't realize till I was sitting inside and looked over at my passenger seat that I had grabbed the remote control to my t.v. I had actually walked out of the house still clutching it, like a colostomy bag. Sad.

2.) A few weeks ago while Joe's sister and her husband were visiting she asked me a specific question about a "Friends" episode. She said she was pulling out all her DVDs to figure it out, but in a matter of seconds I was able to pinpoint the episode she was talking about. Because I had seen the episode over and over and over again. (And I never was even a "Friends" fan, it was just another show to eat up time before the next one). Sadder.

3.) As a kid, while some were learning the Gettysburg address, I was able to recite, word for word, the entire Children's International commercial. You remember the one? Was about 4 or 5 minutes long with the guy holding up the little girl pleading for people to sponsor a child for less than the cost of a bagel a day? At the time I considered it quite the accomplishment. Saddest.

But maybe the final straw came when Joe became the second boyfriend of mine to tell me that I watch way too much, and so the challenge was set.

I know alot of people may say that a year seems impossible. It could be. I'm not ashamed to say I fear failure. But I figure sometimes it's good to challenge yourself, even when the odds seem insurmountable.

So here are the parameters:

A.) No television watching.

B.) Movies are allowed, so long as they are DVDs or going to an actual venue.

C.) Computers are allowed, so long as I'm not watching shows on them.

D.) Radio is allowed.

E.) Books are allowed.

There are some gray areas that I have yet to decide upon (such as watching shows on DVDs). And so any input or advice would be greatly appreciated. Also, since I myself am a bit of a gambler, I will also accept bids on how long I will ACTUALLY last. Might actually help to urge me on.

And yes, I realize avoiding television in the warmer months is a bit of a no-brainer, since there are usually lots of things going on outdoors (and most shows have gone on hiatus). The real test is going to be when I am stuck inside of hours on end in the winter. I have a feeling I'll end up looking like Mr. Burns or Homer when they get stuck in the cabin in the woods- demented and bilious.

Will I last? I dunno, honestly. I'm interested in finding out if anything changes in me: will I be on time more? Will I contribute more to a conversation than just giving a play-by-play of what happened on "Millionaire Matchmaker"? Will I be smarter?

Only one way to find out. The challenge starts on Wednesday....or Thursday, depending on what shows are on.

Thank You for Being a Friend, Blanche

And then there was one...As I was sadly informed by my sister a few mere moments ago, Rue McClanahan died suddenly of a stroke today. I know, I'm distraught too. But in times like these it is important to remember what made the people we loved so special.

Like many of you, I was/am/shall forever be a die hard Golden Girls fan (or a GGF as we like to say in the community). I can say with little exaggeration that I have seen every episode at least 6 or 7 times (probably more in the earlier seasons, which I found to be the best quality).

All of the girls were wonderfully unique, but Blanche practically began a revolution. No, not in her bed-hopping (though she certainly opened the doors for our Grandmas to become Samanthas), it was with her huge printed tops, candy-colored jewelry, and ever-changing do. Yes, Blanche, you brought us kicking and screaming into 80s and 90s fashion. And we loved it.

So, in honor of this icon, I bring you some of the best/worst/awesome fashions from the one, the only, the incomparable...Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.

Ok, so this is obviously from the opening credits, and is our first introduction to Mrs. Devereaux (also this is the pilot episode where Blanche agrees to marry a man who ends up being arrested for polygamy- don't worry girlfriend, you still got a beautiful brown fur and light pink nightie that looks like it came off of the Barbie for Big Girls collection to keep you warm.) Also note this unfortunate duck ass hairstyle, which Blanche thankfully only dons the first season.

This look may have been recycled (oh who am I kidding, Blanche doesn't wear sloppy seconds) but I'm fairly certain this is from the episode where Blanche goes on a date with Ted, Dorothy's ex-husband Stan's brother, but who casts her off for Dorothy. Shocked? So was Blanche, and so were we. I mean, who can resist the wiles of a woman wearing a patchwork blouse and thick dangly blue earrings that could choke a farm animal? It was totally Ted's loss.

I can't right off pinpoint which episode this one is from, but I can tell that it was during the Mullet Incident of '89, '90. She is just barely forgivable but since she's wearing a lovely shade of purple with a black undershirt, and accented chunky earrings, we'll let the hair slide. (FYI: Blanche can actually wear any color, and at times, tries to do so in one outfit...of course occasionally she'll opt for the complete one color head-to-toe option. Depends on if Mel Bushman is in town.)

Don't look so disappointed, Blanche. So you missed the chance to meet Burt Reynolds and Loni Anderson (while they were relevant) because you booked a room at a hotel where they use prostitutes and you and the girls were caught up in a bust. At least you have your health...and the chance to look like a male Flamenco-dancing drag queen. And don't mind Dorothy and Rose, they are just jealous (as always).

We have lost more than a television show character. We have lost a woman who defined a trend, so much so that whenever we see something heavily sequined, elaborately flowy, or blindingly colorful, we shall always think of the woman. But besides the obvious fashion, we had a woman showing us that just because the engine's old, doesn't mean it stops running. She showed us how to be active, in more ways than one, and that as long as you have good people by your side, you'll never end up at Shady Pines alone. Blanche, thank YOU for being a friend.

p.s. Betty White, congrats! You have won "The Golden Girls Death Pact Survivor Extravaganza". You can pick up your $100 cash and gift certificate to Golden Corral at your local JCPenney's.

Reality Bites

I had a friend back in high school who I once tried to engage in a conversation with about some TV episode and she just shrugged her shoulders and said, "I'm not a big TV person." Not a TV person? For someone who literally considered Xena (Warrior Princess) and the guys on the Satellite of Love as personal confidantes I almost couldn't wrap my mind around that statement. Everyone I knew watched television (though none so much as me--I say shamefully). Hell, I used to use babysitting my younger brother as an excuse to not go out. (I can hear the collective sound of everyone who knew me back then saying "Ahh the last piece of the puzzle". Oh well, I think admitting you have a problem is the first step towards recovery, right?) But even if you weren't a total shut-in weirdo like me, I wondered how someone, with all the options out there could physically avoid television. Then again, she was different than me: social, active in sports, involved in clubs...you know, everything I tended to shun.

But while everyone else was busy getting their "high school experiences", I have a plethora of memories of first and final episodes, monumental guest stars, edgy stories....so many memories.

The reason I write about this now is because I was thinking back to some of my fav or most memorable commercials.

Believe it or not, VW commercials had the best songs.

Remember this one about the two guys who picked up the chair? The "Da da daa" song. Yeah, you know you do, and you're welcome...good luck keeping that song out of your head for another decade.

And actually, it was because of another VW commercial that I discovered the song, "Pink Moon" by Nick Drake (THE best late-night summer driving song).

I can never not smile when I see commercial for MasterCard (or Visa, or American Express, I can't remember but whatever it's called) with all the smiley-faces made out of unusual objects. I don't know why, but it just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

But the BEST commercial I have ever seen that makes me laugh like a madman every time I see it (and am sad that they retired it) is the one for Tide-to-Go. If you haven't seen it, go on Google or Yahoo or whichever engine you fancy and watch it. Funniest 30 secs of your life, especially at the end ("Now in a MINI!")...

Before you reign your pity on me like ticker-tape at a parade, let me say in my defense that they make TV shows ABOUT commercials. So the fact that I note particularly special ones for me can't mean I'm that pathetic right? Ah well, enough from you people...Will & Grace is starting...