The Living Year: Day 6

tv tv tv tv tv tv tv tv....

Ok, so it's not THAT bad yet, but I think I'm finally hitting the point of television withdrawal. I hear the shows in my head still- Chandler's quips, Seinfeld's smarm, Rose's naivety. And when I'm not thinking about that I am thinking about EVERYTHING. I can not believe how much talking in my head I have done in the past 6 days, and I can't even tell if I always did that or if it's just because my mind is no longer shut off with the tv on.

Seriously, my mind will not stop going and going, and it's not even for any deep introspection really. It's as if my mind has become it's own dramatist, recalling detail after detail of the actions surrounding me. For example in my mind I would be saying: 'Kris reaches into the refrigerator and grasps that last can of Diet Coke. She winces as the tab tugs hard on her nail, causing it to bend backwards.' 'Joe meanders into the kitchen, singing in a high-pitched mocking tone of some song as he looks for a snack.' 'As Kris peers out the window near her cubicle she notices the blackening clouds approaching and waits hopefully for the spark of lightning.'

It seems as if everything I am doing or noticing is being recorded for a book or play. And I think the reason is because I've reverted back to reading as much as I can, which is making me think constantly in terms of prose. It means I'm either going nuts or I simply can not exist without some sort of story going on (or maybe both).

I did get close last night to reaching for the remote though. You would think that my ingrained daily routine of turning the television on would be cause me to break, but actually, that's not my desperate hour. The time when it is really going to be tough is as night, as I learned while trying to sleep.

Now, I don't feel ashamed to admit that I am 26 years old and still afraid of the dark. Ever since I was a kid I could remember being freaked out by total darkness, so much that I'd sometimes force my eyes open just so I could stay on constant watch, should someone (or something...?) try to sneak up on me. It wasn't enough having my sister sleeping in the bed across the room, knowing I wasn't alone. For some reason I still always believed whatever was coming was coming for me, and my sister would be no help.

My parents tried to help me find solutions. It wasn't enough just trying to remind me that there was no one there, all it would take would be a creak in the house or the wind howling and my eyes would pop back open. So they gave me a radio to listen to. Unfortunately, the radio kept my sister awake so my parents gave me headphones instead. While that did work for some time I found that either I'd have to often change the station (this was during the time all that Ace of Base, Real McCoy techno-crap was popular- not exactly lullabies) or be subjected to the top hits of Spanish radio.

Finally, since we had a tv in the room, my parents showed me how to operate the sleep timer on it. This is yet another piece to my television addiction puzzle. From then on, I relied heavily on this method. It allowed me the company of the light and sound until I fell asleep and then the tv would go off, no longer disturbing my sister. I used to do this ever since, until now.

Last night started off fine. I had been reading and that (combined with our wonderful day at the Great Grapes Wine Fest with our buddies Heather and Dylan-my 6th FOLLOWER!) was enough to make me tired. Joe settled in next to me and I clicked the lamp off. As I was trying to get comfortable I kept tossing and turning, kicking one leg here, pushing my arm there, trying to find both the warm and cool spots on the mattress. The longer it seemed to take me to fall asleep, the more aware I became of the darkness in the room. Now granted, I have been sleeping in this same bedroom for the past two years AND my boyfriend was right beside me. Yet I still couldn't help being keenly aware of the darkness and shadows around me. And that's when I realized; it's not just the dark that freaks me out, but its the empty sound. When it's too quiet, all I keep expecting is a loud noise. I try to not focus on anything, let the sounds all blend together, yet the more I try to mute everything it seems the louder the smallest sounds become.

I was trying like hell to turn my mind (which also enjoys fucking with me at nighttime) and ears off, racing to be asleep before my fears set in. And then I heard it. A distinctly odd sound. My eyes shot open again. It freaked me out so much I almost considered tapping Joe to wake him. And then I felt for the remote. I almost had it completely in my grip when I let it drop back to the carpet. No, I'm not going out, not yet, not now.

And then I pulled out my ace in the hole, my lucky sleeping charm: Peter Pan. Allow me to explain....You ever see the cartoon Disney version of Peter Pan, and in particular, the scene when he has Tinker Bell sprinkle the kids with fairy dust and they fly to Neverland? When I was a kid, that scene was my mantra. I used to visualize that scene over and over again, until it chased my fear away. I guess I liked its' message: think happy thoughts and you
ll get to fly. I even used to go so far as to leave my slippers and robe by my bed JUST IN CASE the story was true and Peter Pan ever stopped by (afterall I wanted to be prepared).

So there I was, all 26 years of me, visualizing that scene for the umpteenth time, and honestly, that's the last thing I remembered before I finally passed out. Not only did I manage to salvage a few hours of sleep, but I managed to avoid breaking my oath.

But I can tell you, it's gonna get difficult. I can only imagine my urge right now the size of a pea, sitting right in the pit of my stomach. I believe that as the days pass, this little pea is gonna start to grow. I just have to get through this withdrawal, and get to the other side. Wish me luck another day!

The Living Year

Some people quit cigarettes. Others stop drinking. As anyone who has known me for a long time knows my addiction of choice is television. I have been battling this disease for years now, and let me tell you...it is debilitating. It also shocks me that in this day and age of passing the blame and medications and group therapies, I have yet to hear of a television watching support group. Probably because there's no funding because there's no way to advertise, unless you put it on t.v...but then that defeats the whole point doesn't it?

But the time for me to turn off is nigh. And I intend to do so for....wait for it...a whole year. Yes, yes I can hear your gasps as you sit in your cubicles or on your beds reading this. Be calm, my readers, for like Frodo joining Gandalf on the lovely giant Goonies Pirate Ship (in probably the 3rd or 4th ending that Peter Jackson couldn't seem to make his mind up for), the time has come.

Why, you make ask, would I finally choose now to quit? Several reasons...

1.) I walked to my car the other night and I didn't realize till I was sitting inside and looked over at my passenger seat that I had grabbed the remote control to my t.v. I had actually walked out of the house still clutching it, like a colostomy bag. Sad.

2.) A few weeks ago while Joe's sister and her husband were visiting she asked me a specific question about a "Friends" episode. She said she was pulling out all her DVDs to figure it out, but in a matter of seconds I was able to pinpoint the episode she was talking about. Because I had seen the episode over and over and over again. (And I never was even a "Friends" fan, it was just another show to eat up time before the next one). Sadder.

3.) As a kid, while some were learning the Gettysburg address, I was able to recite, word for word, the entire Children's International commercial. You remember the one? Was about 4 or 5 minutes long with the guy holding up the little girl pleading for people to sponsor a child for less than the cost of a bagel a day? At the time I considered it quite the accomplishment. Saddest.

But maybe the final straw came when Joe became the second boyfriend of mine to tell me that I watch way too much, and so the challenge was set.

I know alot of people may say that a year seems impossible. It could be. I'm not ashamed to say I fear failure. But I figure sometimes it's good to challenge yourself, even when the odds seem insurmountable.

So here are the parameters:

A.) No television watching.

B.) Movies are allowed, so long as they are DVDs or going to an actual venue.

C.) Computers are allowed, so long as I'm not watching shows on them.

D.) Radio is allowed.

E.) Books are allowed.

There are some gray areas that I have yet to decide upon (such as watching shows on DVDs). And so any input or advice would be greatly appreciated. Also, since I myself am a bit of a gambler, I will also accept bids on how long I will ACTUALLY last. Might actually help to urge me on.

And yes, I realize avoiding television in the warmer months is a bit of a no-brainer, since there are usually lots of things going on outdoors (and most shows have gone on hiatus). The real test is going to be when I am stuck inside of hours on end in the winter. I have a feeling I'll end up looking like Mr. Burns or Homer when they get stuck in the cabin in the woods- demented and bilious.

Will I last? I dunno, honestly. I'm interested in finding out if anything changes in me: will I be on time more? Will I contribute more to a conversation than just giving a play-by-play of what happened on "Millionaire Matchmaker"? Will I be smarter?

Only one way to find out. The challenge starts on Wednesday....or Thursday, depending on what shows are on.