Death by Stupidity

Back when I was watching television, there was two shows that I would watch occasionally but then never want to watch again. Which shows? One was called "1000 Ways to Die" and the other was "CSI" (the original, and in my opinion, the only one that really matters). Both entertaining in completely different ways. But where they differed was the fact that in one, you could be amazed at where the story goes, while the other merely freaked you out in the end.

For me, I enjoyed watching CSI because of the interesting plot lines and characters. They gave you the benefit of never really knowing where the story was going to go, and who/what the culprit of the murder would be. Getting there was half the fun.

On 1000 Ways to Die, you were more waiting for the punchline at the end. And if you aren't aware of this show, it's basically about all the horrible and inventive ways people have either died or killed themselves (usually by accident). However, they would tell the story through humorous reenactments and then conclude the story with a funny one-liner.

Both appearing to be highly entertaining shows right? The difference is that, although CSI based alot of its stories on actual events, you could still talk yourself into remembering that it is a scripted show. 1000 Ways, on the other hand, basically completely retells these horrible and ironic ways people DID actually die, and if that weren't enough, they bring on experts to talk in depth about the specific science behind how they died. And that used to FREAK me out, because there really ARE alot of dumb ways you can die, and I should know, because I almost died from my own stupidity recently.

I was pulling out of the garage of my office and turned left. I was about to cross the Light Rail train tracks when I suddenly saw the red lights flashing, indicating an incoming train. I was about to just back up to get on the outside of the guard rails that were coming down when I realized they had already come down. Panic-stricken, I quickly made a U-turn and drove back to the garage to turn around all over again. It wasn't till I was safely behind a couple of the cars waiting for the train did I realize that I probably should've just kept going straight (since the rails didn't go down from the side I would've come out on). I just kept thinking it was going to be like a cartoon where you look one way for a second and then BAM a freaking steamroller shows up and flattens you. It's the Light Rail, for god's sake, the damn thing screeches like a strangled sea gull, which tells you it's not exactly running smooth anyway.

Still, I kept thinking the scenario over and over in my head, thinking about being plowed over by a hulking speeding mass of metal, and it took away my better judgment and logic. I should probably be worried about that. The fact that if the shit hit the fan I wouldn't really know what to do kinda bothers me.

And then I'd just end up being another one of those stories on those shows. Maybe they would find my lifeless body and be able to tell by the large amounts of adrenaline (and by the fact my hands would just be covering my face still) that I hadn't really thought about trying to save my life. Or they'd give me the punch line, "Train-in Wheels". Sad sad.

Was this a bleak post? Don't worry, tomorrow's will be about Baltimore's Restaurant week and I'll review my meal tonight at Gertude's. Savor this!

How I Met Your Mother's Two and a Half Men's Big Bang Theory- Episode 2

Hey folks, hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July. I did as well, visited with some friends at a cookout. But damn, this weekend was probably anything less than relaxing.

For those who didn't hear, we welcomed home little Georgia on Friday. We walked down the wooden ramp of the SPCA, waiting for them to open so we could see her again. When the employees/volunteers finally opened the door we strode in, walking directly towards her kennel. Joe stopped me for a second and pulled me over to see another dog...it was a puggle! At least that's what I assumed. And for those of you who didn't know this either, it was a puggle (beagle-pug) that we were originally looking for. We glanced at her info: female, year old. She sat on her bed looking fresh from the Sarah McLaughlin commercial- big sad eyes. We noticed too that it said she had just had her spaying, which helped to explain her lifeless demeanor.

Still I walked ahead, and there she was. Little Coco, as she was named there, lay on her bed too, but as soon as we neared she gently walked off and came to lick our hands. Suddenly the other dogs began barking loudly, and Coco looked terrified. My heart went out to the puggle, but with how popular they are now, I felt convinced she wouldn't have to stay there long. But little Coco, with those big bat ears and curly tail...I couldn't let her stay a second longer in that kennel. I felt sick just thinking about leaving her there, even overnight. So, in about an hour of paperwork and meeting with the adoption counselor, she was ours, and renamed Georgia.

Things were going pretty well. She was mostly quiet, slept on her newly purchased bed, nibbled on her brand new toys, and even the housebreaking seemed to be going ok. But soon we realized how very clingy she was, especially with me. I couldn't go to the bathroom without her whining at the door. Of course there was a part of me that found it adorable, but more so I was terrified. Joe and I had all these plans and ideas of things to do with the dog, like traveling or going to outdoor cafes. But I didn't really think about the little things, like, oh say, work, running errands, going for a jog, etc.

Not to mention the long nights. No wonder Joe and I didn't feel like we had any energy this weekend. All night we would listen for her waking up and taking turns walking her outside to go to the bathroom. One night I swore I heard her vomiting, and like a zombie I stumbled for her leash to take her out while Joe cleaned up what little she did yak up. I came back in and realized it was 4 in the morning.

But really it hasn't been all bad. She really is a sweet funny little dog. And she is still a puppy. Besides, anytime I get worried we bit off more than we could chew, I looked down at those big ears and funny expression and I just want to kiss her sweet face. I guess this is sorta what parents experience with their kids- sure there are frustrating times when they are young, but those are also the precious times before they grow up and become independent. (And I can already hear the parents out there chuckling sarcastically as if to say, "Yeah...THAT'S the same". Well, maybe not, but it's the closest comparison I can make).

So anyway, that's primarily why this is gonna be a short entry- 1. because I'm already tired and 2. because tomorrow is going to be an even LONGER day (see tomorrow's entry for more info on that).

I had another one of those small my-life-as-a-sitcom moments today (hence the title). I was driving to work and as I was about to turn into the parking lot I noticed this big dead deer lying lifeless on the corner. Trying to avoid staring at it I parked by the trees (that never give shade, btw). When I went upstairs and turned on the morning show I heard that the temperature today was supposed to reach 103. Fuck, I thought. I parked out of the garage, thinking it might be cool (for some reason I have no idea).

I quietly snuck out back downstairs to RE-park my car, and began cursing it. I was worried the only spot I'd find would be right near the dead deer. And by the end of the day, that thing wouldn't just be drying in the sun, it would start to saute (and not emanating the best smell, I'm sure). Of course, that wouldn't be a problem...if I had air conditioning in my car and had no choice but to leave my windows open, inviting the smell (along with bugs, leaves, and anything else) to infiltrate my car.

I drove around a bit, getting pissed off and jealous at all the other cars that DID have functioning air conditioning. Couldn't THEY park outside? What did they care for a little deer carcass if their could have their windows up the whole time ANYWAY? Finally, I did spy a spot, half covered by the garage and half shaded by some trees. It would have to do.

When the end of the day arrived I got into my oven of a car and breathed in the stiff unmoving air. I drove to the exit and to my surprise, the deer was gone. I figured someone had come to remove it, which was always another thing I often thought about. You ever noticed a truck or something in the actual process of clearing dead carcasses? I know I never have. It must be some special operative by the county, but they do it so swiftly, it's almost as if the animal was never there. Weird isn't it? Something for you to chew on.

Anyway, that's it for me tonight. See you all back here tomorrow.

Thank You for Being a Friend, Blanche

And then there was one...As I was sadly informed by my sister a few mere moments ago, Rue McClanahan died suddenly of a stroke today. I know, I'm distraught too. But in times like these it is important to remember what made the people we loved so special.

Like many of you, I was/am/shall forever be a die hard Golden Girls fan (or a GGF as we like to say in the community). I can say with little exaggeration that I have seen every episode at least 6 or 7 times (probably more in the earlier seasons, which I found to be the best quality).

All of the girls were wonderfully unique, but Blanche practically began a revolution. No, not in her bed-hopping (though she certainly opened the doors for our Grandmas to become Samanthas), it was with her huge printed tops, candy-colored jewelry, and ever-changing do. Yes, Blanche, you brought us kicking and screaming into 80s and 90s fashion. And we loved it.

So, in honor of this icon, I bring you some of the best/worst/awesome fashions from the one, the only, the incomparable...Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.

Ok, so this is obviously from the opening credits, and is our first introduction to Mrs. Devereaux (also this is the pilot episode where Blanche agrees to marry a man who ends up being arrested for polygamy- don't worry girlfriend, you still got a beautiful brown fur and light pink nightie that looks like it came off of the Barbie for Big Girls collection to keep you warm.) Also note this unfortunate duck ass hairstyle, which Blanche thankfully only dons the first season.

This look may have been recycled (oh who am I kidding, Blanche doesn't wear sloppy seconds) but I'm fairly certain this is from the episode where Blanche goes on a date with Ted, Dorothy's ex-husband Stan's brother, but who casts her off for Dorothy. Shocked? So was Blanche, and so were we. I mean, who can resist the wiles of a woman wearing a patchwork blouse and thick dangly blue earrings that could choke a farm animal? It was totally Ted's loss.

I can't right off pinpoint which episode this one is from, but I can tell that it was during the Mullet Incident of '89, '90. She is just barely forgivable but since she's wearing a lovely shade of purple with a black undershirt, and accented chunky earrings, we'll let the hair slide. (FYI: Blanche can actually wear any color, and at times, tries to do so in one outfit...of course occasionally she'll opt for the complete one color head-to-toe option. Depends on if Mel Bushman is in town.)

Don't look so disappointed, Blanche. So you missed the chance to meet Burt Reynolds and Loni Anderson (while they were relevant) because you booked a room at a hotel where they use prostitutes and you and the girls were caught up in a bust. At least you have your health...and the chance to look like a male Flamenco-dancing drag queen. And don't mind Dorothy and Rose, they are just jealous (as always).

We have lost more than a television show character. We have lost a woman who defined a trend, so much so that whenever we see something heavily sequined, elaborately flowy, or blindingly colorful, we shall always think of the woman. But besides the obvious fashion, we had a woman showing us that just because the engine's old, doesn't mean it stops running. She showed us how to be active, in more ways than one, and that as long as you have good people by your side, you'll never end up at Shady Pines alone. Blanche, thank YOU for being a friend.

p.s. Betty White, congrats! You have won "The Golden Girls Death Pact Survivor Extravaganza". You can pick up your $100 cash and gift certificate to Golden Corral at your local JCPenney's.

Driver Drama

So this is the second time in the last two months I went home and came back with a freakin illness. Last time it turned into strep, but now I think it's just a cold, but still...aggravatin'

Also, as if THAT wasn't enough to make my drive back stressful, I think I nearly died...at least three times. Now, anyone who has driven with me knows I will stand up like an alcoholic at an AA meeting, raise my hand to God and say, "Hello, My name is Kristen, and I'm a bad driver." Be aware, I didn't say a reckless or careless driver. I'm more a bad driver the way your 86 yr old grandmother is a bad driver-- I've got poor vision, slow reflexes, and lack attention. But don't worry, I make up for it by driving AT LEAST 10 miles below the speed limit.

But I get pretty annoyed when it seems like fate is just throwin me curve balls on the road. I've driven the same route back and forth from Jersey to Maryland for years now, and yet this last time was prob the most treacherous experience. Let me take you through it...

1. Evil Robin--I was driving down the road towards the gas station to fill up before my trip (if I leave Jersey without getting at least a few gallons of gas I end up kicking myself all the way back. Yes, I realize the 30 cents I end up saving gets eaten up just in the drive TO the gas station, but its the PRINCIPLE. All you other cheapskates out there know wat I'm talkin about) and I noticed a bird in the middle of the road. Respectful of cute animals, I slowed down, waiting for it to fly away...and waited...and waited. Suddenly I was getting closer and closer and the damn thing just sprang up and down. I started thinking, 'I'm gonna hit this damn bird...'. It was just like that episode of Seinfeld where George hits the pigeon ("We had a DEAL!"). Finally I had to actually swerve out of the way, and when I made the sudden movement, I guess it finally sensed catastrophe in the form of a hulking metal sedan coming at it and took flight...right at my windshield. Thankfully I missed it, but that was prob my first hint to stay home a little longer.

2. Crazy Lady Driver-- I hate to be traitorous, especially towards my own gender, but my second brush with death was at the hand of a curly-haired brunette in a blue car. (And no, I wasn't just looking at my rear view mirror, smartass). There was some construction goin on and while the other cars were all slowly veering I figured I'd veer too. Just as I was passing around, this chick in a blue car came driving right at me...no hesitation, no slowing down, just straight-up 40 miles per hour. I had to pull a freaking Jason Statham just avoid her oncoming Carolla. Hint #2 to turn around and head right back to bed.

3. The Wind Cries "I'm Gonna Push You Off This Bridge"-- My last near-death experience started the second I got on the highway and didn't really let up until I was about 10 mins from my apt...I've had problems with the wind before, but NOTHING like this last time. I was going about 55 miles per hour, and yet I was still getting batted around like a kitten with a ball of twine. It wasn't so bad, until I hit the bridge. God damn, I really was terrified. I learned new meaning to the phrase "white-knuckle". People were passing me left and right, and even when I tried to speed up to keep up with traffic I felt like the wind was toying with me. Finally when I got off my hands were so tense my elbows ached. It was a small consolation that I was met with a cute toll booth attendant at the end, I still had to gulp hard and was never more grateful to be in Delaware.

And now, safe and sound in my apt, struggling to breath through one nostril, I think about how close I came to total destruction. Maybe it was my slow-driving that actually saved my life. Just what the world wants...maybe I should try going 20 miles below the speed limit from now on...sorry people.