Macabre Movie Month

Well, it's October and we know what that means: apple-picking, fall festivals, and crisp nights. At least, that’s what October means to all of us, but October has another special meaning to me. It’ll mark our 8th anniversary of being together (yay!). But there is another significance…a dark significance.

Yes, it’s that time again- time for scary movie month.

Ugh.

I feel as uneasy as I do when I’m being pushed along onto a roller coaster (another activity that I try to be a good sport for).

And while I have already gone through all the anxiety I feel in a post last year, I must mention how this year’s scary movie month is going.

Day 1, Movie 1: “Warlock”

Joe scrolled through the Netflix listings and stopped on this one, claiming “it’s a pretty cheesy 80’s movie about a warlock that comes to modern times.”

Cheesy? 80s? How bad could that be?

All in all, it wasn’t terribly scary OR gory, but instead, it was just kinda disturbing (and I don’t care if that makes me a contender for “Biggest Wuss”). Tongues being torn out, eyes being gouged out, children being butchered- yeah, where the hell was the cheese factor- besides the Warlock’s blonde Nelson-like ponytail.

Needless to say, I had a rough time at bedtime because every time I closed my eyes my torturous brain would conjure up one of those more hideous scenes for my reviewing pleasure.

Day 2, Movie 2: “Black Death”

“Black Death”. Similarly to the previous night’s movie, “Warlock”, this one had a religious connotation, which at first intrigued me. And plus the fact that it was based around the Black Plague, and therefore has a historical angle, I figured it wouldn’t be too bad.

I may have escaped ghouls and monsters, but instead I got buckets of realistic gore. I can handle gun shot wounds for the most part. I even handle sword-fighting pretty well.

The two things that make me most queasy are 1.) Guts and 2.) Violence towards women and/or children. And bingo! I got both.

It’s supposed to be centered around the plague that demolished 2/3rds of the European population, but instead it was more about witch-hunting and torture.
I sat there with a pillow over my mouth, and very vocally exclaiming, “no…no..no.no..no.non NO! OOOOH GOD!”

Meanwhile, Joe, content as you please, sat silently watching, unfazed.

I know that I should just be a good sport about it all. I mean, after all, I torture him with the televising shows I love or movies I suggest, so I should muster up enough courage to get through one lousy month of scary movies, right?

Fortunately October is also one of our more busy months, with lots of things to do, so if just happen we miss a day or week or two, he can’t be that mad…..right?

Livin the Movie Dream Life...

When I was younger I used to have this book that was simply titled, "The IF Book." It was basically a small book loaded with hundreds (maybe thousands) of scenarios. 'If you could pull off any crime in history and get away with it, what would it be?' 'If you had to choose the last piece of music you could listen to before you die, what would it be?'

I always found it both incredibly useful and insightful; useful, because I was never short of a conversation starter, and insightful because I was always fascinated with the answers the people around me had to say.

One of my favorite scenarios was the question "If you could live the life of any movie character whose life would you want?" I pondered this question long and hard for many years, and my answer changed year after year. So I figured I'd share the lives I, at one point in my life, wish I could've had.

*NOTE- Not sure if I ever touched upon this topic before, but if so, sorry for the repeat...

1.) Mary, "There's Something About Mary"- I'm sure there aren't alot of girl that wouldn't love to have Mary's life. Afterall, her friend Tucker basically sums it up for us: she's beautiful, rich... plus has a killer body, loving family, cool job, is athletic, lives in Miami, and is desperately pursued by cute guys.

2.) Indiana Jones, "Raiders of the Lost Ark", et. al.- Yeah, I know what you're thinking...I'm not helping my case that I am, in fact, a heterosexual female. When my dad showed me the movie, "Raiders" I wasn't struck by how handsome and strong Indie was; I was struck by how much I wanted to BE him. Going on mysterious and meaningful adventures to places I'd never heard of, using a whip on bad guys, engaging in car chases, horse chases, boat chases, were all things I desperately wanted to do. So badly, in fact, that I temporarily planned to grow up and become an archaeologist (until my a-hole science teacher decided to burst my bubble, telling me I'd be throwing my money and life away).

3.) Belle, "Beauty and the Beast"- I fancied myself quite a reader when I was a kid. And by " a reader", I mean I religiously read the Sunday comics along with my Garfield and Far Side comic books. But that wasn't all I read. I actually enjoyed reading a bit and when I saw Belle in "Beauty and the Beast" I felt an instant kinship with her. She was the first "princess" in Disney that wasn't just a flat damsel in distress. Plus it didn't hurt that she was beautiful, too.

4.) Xena, "Xena: Warrior Princess"- I realize this was a television show, but I wanted to be Xena so bad when I was younger I have to include her. She was the first live-action female superhero I had ever known, and the fact that she wielded this big sword as bad-ass as any of her male counterparts was awesome (not to mention the fact that she was a PRINCESS on top of it!) Sure there were some moments when her pal Gabrielle appeared to be more than just her sidekick. Still, heroes for us girls are still too far and few between, and Xena wasn't a bad one to have.

Ok, I shared some heartfelt and downright embarrassing admissions here, so now it's your turn to answer the "if" question: "If YOU could live the life of any movie character, whose life would you want?"

Mortgage Movies

Look at me, getting in a post early. Actually, the reason is I have a splitting headache, so you guys will get a short and sweet one tonight- a topic that was meant for Monday, but as I mentioned, I was detained.

A quick stroll down the aisles of a video store (or perhaps I should say, quick scroll through the Netflix listings) is bound to make you realize just how many bad movies exist. For every good movie there are at least 15 truly painfully embarrassing ones. Most of the time you can forgive the actors involved- after all, did anyone really expect the 4th sequel to American Pie to be Shakespearean?

What's not forgivable are the great actors that sign on for such movies. Nothing breaks my heart more than when I am watching a preview for a movie I know is going to be lousy, and see some of my favorite legitimate actors trying to hold it up. I have to figure these people know they are in the middle of a crap-fest, but hey, someone's gotta pay for the private jet and house in Bora Bora. Therefore, I have lovingly dubbed these films, "Mortgage Movies"- movies actors do simply because a bill is coming up and they could use the petty (and I do mean petty) cash. Here's my short list of what happens when bad movies happen to good actors...

1.) Angelina Jolie- "Alexander". I used to be on the fence when it came to my opinion of Angelina Jolie as an actor. I finally tipped in favor of her when I saw her in the epically chilling "The Changeling" as a frightened yet strong mother in search of her son. However, I can not yet forget that she actually signed on for the big budget-gusting "Alexander," which was all lustre and little substance.

2.) Robert De Niro- "Analyze That". In general, sequels of movies always have a harder time of being great. And while he was able to deliver magic in "The Godfather Part II" the same can not be said for the second "Analyze This". I recall seeing it on television a while ago and thought I'd see what it was about. I tried to stick it out, but I still couldn't figure it out. Laughs never came' just disappointment and the eventual click of the remote.

3.) Laura Linney (and Robin Williams)- "Man of the Year". This movie had all the makings of a good comedy- topical humor mixed with Williams seemingly back to some classic comedy maneuvers. Plus, adding Laura Linney, one of the finest contemporary actresses today, would certainly guarantee its' success, right? Uhhh...not so much.

4.) Brendan Fraser- "Journey to the Center of the Earth". Ok, granted, when you think great acting, Brendan Fraser might not be the first person you think of. But I felt the need to include him simply because the man has literally made a living saying yes to ANYTHING that comes across his desk. I figure he keeps shooting at targets just in the hopes that one day he'll get a bulls eye, but he couldn't have been further from the mark with this one. He basically took one of my favorite novels by Jules Verne and WB/Disneyfied it, covering it in such sappy dialogue and overused effects that it was painful to watch.

5.) Morgan Freeman- "The Big Bounce". The Big what? Exactly. I'll admit, I never saw this one (or "Alexander" for that matter, but I still stand by my assessment and welcome any challenges), but when I went to scroll through some of Morgan Freeman's roles this one popped out and stands out as the paragon of Mortgage Movies. Flimsy dippy idea about a get-rich quick scheme, or at least that's as far as I can deduce from IMDB. For such an iconic actor as Freeman is, I can only imagine he agreed to this one for the free trip to Hawaii.

I always thought actors would say yes to anything and everything only when they weren't famous and needed the exposure (and money). But at a certain point, when they hit that certain level of success, they could begin to be more choosy; opting for the artistic or avant garde roles rather than the quirky sidekick or brooding henchman. I guess what really changes is not the need for exposure and money, it's the want. And maybe it's not even for the exposure...it's just for the mortgage.

Falling for You

Yes, I'm aware that I was negligent in posting yesterday, so to make up for it I'm gonna post something on Friday. It's really surprising that I'd forget, because I actually have a few good topics I wanted to cover this week.

First up, for this Tuesday, is my idea of the funniest thing ever. Some like the pie in the face, others like a well-paced walk-into-the-door. To me, the idea of slapstick is at it's best when it involves humans and slipping. I mean really, is there anything more humorous when you see someone have complete control one minute and then suddenly land square on their butt? Hell, whenever I've done it, I can never seem to stop laughing. I remember one of our childhood traditions was to sit around and watch "America's Funniest Home Videos" with the charmingly goofy (and surprisingly dirty) Bob Saget. For us, nothing was better than when it looked like the camera was all framed for a nice heartwarming shot, and then the bride slips in the middle of her reception. Hilarious

Whenever I'm in need of a good laugh my mind always seems to drift to scenes from television or movies where people trip or are falling. You ever watch any of that reality show, "The Osbournes"? There was an episode I used to watch over and over again just so I could see the montage scene of all the times Kelly tripped and fell.

Or how about in that movie, "Honeymoon in Vegas" when James Caan is trying to keep up with Sarah Jessica Parker on their hike, and as she cross the camera you see Caan not really paying attention and then suddenly just drops out of the scene via a ditch in the ground? Crap, that stuff still makes me smile.

I guess I really noticed this comedic inclination lately, since I bought these damn flip flops that are completely smooth on the bottom. I have lost count how many times I have fallen while wearing these shoes (and I'm not exactly helped by all the wood floors in the townhouse). I'm seriously waiting for the day I completely fall down the stairs, in which I will be crying with tears of laughter in between tears of pain.

The other day I was in the yard playing with Georgia, trying to chase after her, when my foot slipped briefly on wet grass and I surprised myself with a near split (of the pants as well...yikes). And then later on Joe and I were walking out of Target (the scene of tomorrow's topic, too) I was talking to him about something when my foot slipped off the curve of the curb and had to fling my arms behind me to regain balance.

I'd like to say I laugh only at myself or characters on television, but chances are, if you slip or trip around me, I'll 1.) make sure you are ok, and if you are 2.) begin to, hopefully, laugh with you, but if you are not 2.) help you to a chair and then excuse myself to laugh in the bathroom.

I remember a story my sister Linds told me years ago back in high school about how she was at a party and as she was making her way into the basement where her friends were her giant shoe (this was when Frankenstein-sized platform shoes were the rage) slipped and caused her to slide down the stairs on her butt. I remember even then bawling my eyes laughing, split between imagining her with those huge shoes and the scene from "Clueless" where Ty falls down the stairs. Even as I'm typing this I'm trying to suppress a laugh.

Hell, I even laugh at my DOG, as if I wasn't evil enough. The other day Georgia surprised me by trying to jump onto our bed. I had just made it, smoothing out the ends, when I see this little brown body fling itself at the bed, her grip slipping and her head and front paws pop up before crashing back down. Haha, aww I made sure she was ok, but God, I almost couldn't breathe.

I dunno, I could be just me, but it's an oldie and goodie in my opinion. I never laugh at intentional slips, they have to be completely spontaneous and unexpected. And also, causing no physical damage, cuz then I just feel bad. Well, unless of course I don't make it to someplace private and I start laughing right in front of you. But just know, even as I'm wiping away tears and gasping for breath, I really DO want to know, "are you ok?"

The Youthful Follies

Believe it or not, my fine taste in film and music took years to hone (*scoff* *scoff*) and meanwhile I liked alot of crap along the way. Whenever I hear a song I used to be obsessed with or see clips from a movie I used to watch over and over again, I can't help but grimace with regret and embarrassment. And now coming up towards my 26th birthday, I feel it's time to look back on these things not with shame but in the comfort of knowing they helped me become the person I am now...plus it should be good for a cheap laugh.

1. "Jump" by Van Halen--I used to love this song. The sound of that rockin synthesizer used to get me so pumped up, I'm brave enough to say I tried to do that high-kick jump off my bed. Now, when I hear it I have to change the channel. What I used to love now annoys the crap outta me. Oh well...might as well jump...

2. "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club--This wasn't like "Jump", this was literally the first song I was OBSESSED with. I had never seen anything like Boy George before. I was coming from a childhood where my mother banned MTV because she thought it was too racy for us kids (and this was at a time BEFORE horny co-eds had nothing better to do than get wasted everyday and punch each other in the face...what show am I talking about? Does it matter? Take your pick)

3. "Josie and the Pussycats" Soundtrack--I never even saw the movie, but on a trip to Florida I met up with my friend Meghan and a few of her friends and she introduced me to it. They apparently had been listening to it the practically the whole trip...I can't really explain this one, or why I loved it so much. Maybe it was b/c we were in Florida, or the first taste of freedom, but all I know is I actually continued to listen to it for a while until it finally got scratched beyond recognition and the spell was broken. Honestly the cynical music (and movie) lover in me must've wept with relief, but I stil don't think I can let myself live down that one...

4. "Charlie's Angels"--I look at movies today, especially remakes, with a bit of a judgemental eye. But back in High School I freakin LOVED this movie. Again, not really sure why. Maybe cuz it actually had girls kicking ass (a rarity). And really that was prob its only redeeming quality. But if I look at the story now, I get so annoyed. It seems like a caricature of itself, so overdone and yet thin. Esp the dialogue (if I had to hear that whiny baby-talk and obnoxious way Cameron Diaz said "Chaaliee" i think i'd have to saw my ear off with a butter knife).

So there they are...my youthful follies. Maybe they aren't so bad to some of you...maybe you even like these things. I guess they will always have a weird place in my heart, like a scar that never goes away but reminds you of who you once were and where you came from. Wow, that's probably the deepest anyone would ever go after just talking about David Lee Roth and and a crappy remake of an Archie-comic-character-band. But I'm woman enough to admit mine. What are yours huh?