Mortgage Movies

Look at me, getting in a post early. Actually, the reason is I have a splitting headache, so you guys will get a short and sweet one tonight- a topic that was meant for Monday, but as I mentioned, I was detained.

A quick stroll down the aisles of a video store (or perhaps I should say, quick scroll through the Netflix listings) is bound to make you realize just how many bad movies exist. For every good movie there are at least 15 truly painfully embarrassing ones. Most of the time you can forgive the actors involved- after all, did anyone really expect the 4th sequel to American Pie to be Shakespearean?

What's not forgivable are the great actors that sign on for such movies. Nothing breaks my heart more than when I am watching a preview for a movie I know is going to be lousy, and see some of my favorite legitimate actors trying to hold it up. I have to figure these people know they are in the middle of a crap-fest, but hey, someone's gotta pay for the private jet and house in Bora Bora. Therefore, I have lovingly dubbed these films, "Mortgage Movies"- movies actors do simply because a bill is coming up and they could use the petty (and I do mean petty) cash. Here's my short list of what happens when bad movies happen to good actors...

1.) Angelina Jolie- "Alexander". I used to be on the fence when it came to my opinion of Angelina Jolie as an actor. I finally tipped in favor of her when I saw her in the epically chilling "The Changeling" as a frightened yet strong mother in search of her son. However, I can not yet forget that she actually signed on for the big budget-gusting "Alexander," which was all lustre and little substance.

2.) Robert De Niro- "Analyze That". In general, sequels of movies always have a harder time of being great. And while he was able to deliver magic in "The Godfather Part II" the same can not be said for the second "Analyze This". I recall seeing it on television a while ago and thought I'd see what it was about. I tried to stick it out, but I still couldn't figure it out. Laughs never came' just disappointment and the eventual click of the remote.

3.) Laura Linney (and Robin Williams)- "Man of the Year". This movie had all the makings of a good comedy- topical humor mixed with Williams seemingly back to some classic comedy maneuvers. Plus, adding Laura Linney, one of the finest contemporary actresses today, would certainly guarantee its' success, right? Uhhh...not so much.

4.) Brendan Fraser- "Journey to the Center of the Earth". Ok, granted, when you think great acting, Brendan Fraser might not be the first person you think of. But I felt the need to include him simply because the man has literally made a living saying yes to ANYTHING that comes across his desk. I figure he keeps shooting at targets just in the hopes that one day he'll get a bulls eye, but he couldn't have been further from the mark with this one. He basically took one of my favorite novels by Jules Verne and WB/Disneyfied it, covering it in such sappy dialogue and overused effects that it was painful to watch.

5.) Morgan Freeman- "The Big Bounce". The Big what? Exactly. I'll admit, I never saw this one (or "Alexander" for that matter, but I still stand by my assessment and welcome any challenges), but when I went to scroll through some of Morgan Freeman's roles this one popped out and stands out as the paragon of Mortgage Movies. Flimsy dippy idea about a get-rich quick scheme, or at least that's as far as I can deduce from IMDB. For such an iconic actor as Freeman is, I can only imagine he agreed to this one for the free trip to Hawaii.

I always thought actors would say yes to anything and everything only when they weren't famous and needed the exposure (and money). But at a certain point, when they hit that certain level of success, they could begin to be more choosy; opting for the artistic or avant garde roles rather than the quirky sidekick or brooding henchman. I guess what really changes is not the need for exposure and money, it's the want. And maybe it's not even for the exposure...it's just for the mortgage.