Babyphobia

I was doing my usual status update scroll (where I sift through the 300+ comments and updates to kill time and find out what people are up to without feeling the pressure of asking) a while ago and noticed a girl I went to college with had a kid.



At first I wondered if she was just babysitting all the time, or if maybe it was a younger sibling. But when she seemed to be in cute poses and mentioned all the time I finally figured it out. However I still have hard time believing it.



Not that I think this person (or any one of my friends that have kids) would be an unfit parent, its the fact that I can't believe I have friends who HAVE kids.



For the longest time the only people I knew who had children were my aunts and uncles. And then eventually my cousins got married and started their families, but that was still ok because they were considered "older".



But people my age? My friends? It boggles my mind. Seeing people I know use their reproductive abilities is like seeing a former Amish guy using a toaster--sure he could if he use it if he wanted to, but it still seems somewhat unnatural.



It's not that I dislike kids. In fact babysitting was my main source of income from ages 13-15. The truth is, I'm afraid of kids. And here's why.



1. They're delicate--I'm not what you'd call a total klutz, but I'm a bit mindless. I walk into walls that are literally right in front of me, trip over wires that are blatantly exposed, and I'm not a great catcher. So the fact that these little beings can be hurt in a number of horribly simple ways freaks me out. That's why I never ask to hold kids and always hesitate to reach for a wandering child. Also, they're delicate mentally. I fear I'll slip on a curse or tasteless joke and scar the poor kid.



2. They're honest--I doesn't take a kid long to make their mind up about you and it takes even less time for them to tell you about it. Whenever I am around kids I feel like I am being subjected to the most brutal interrogation, I literally break into a sweat trying like a criminal to make simple, resolute and most importantly, pleasing statements.



3. They're little replicas of their parents--I realize that, depending on what school of thought you subscribe to, people might argue this point. What I mean specifically is that kids are part of your friends, and if their kids don't like you, how can your friends any longer? It's an added pressure to make sure those kids approve of you, otherwise you might be looking at dodged phone calls and cancelled plans.



Thankfully, due to my friend Kelly's great son, my cousins' sweet babies, and my meager educational experience, I have learned to ease-up around kids...somewhat. I'll probably always clam up when a baby is being passed around, or make my voice so high it makes Minnie Mouse sound like a baritone just to get a kid to smile for me.



But who knows, if that stork comes looking for me someday hopefully I'll be grown up and more mature like my counterparts. Until then, I'll be content to keep walking into walls or slipping on floors with only myself to worry about.