Freak Out

My friend said something funny about me the other night that I can't seem to get out of my head. We were out at a bar when I had the idea to try and film a Stop n' Shot with them, so I started placing them where I wanted them, explaining what I wanted them to say, and what precisely to do. As I had them at the bar and I was playing with angles, I heard one lean over to the other saying, "It's funny to hear Kris like this. She's usually so, 'whatever you wanna do is fine by me.'"

It's true, too. It made me think about all the times I wanted SO much to just have a good ol' meltdown and tell someone off. But usually, even if I'm that wound up I just end up unloading to some other poor innocent bystander...like Joe.

It's really not in my personality to be confrontational. In fact, for the longest time I didn't like to answer my own phone because I feared whoever was calling was going to yell at me for something I did. I think that probably began back in middle school when a "friend" called me to bitch me out about something, and I was so taken aback that it freaked me out.

I did have one once...sort of. Last year at the school, I was so frustrated that I just started laughing like a madman right in the middle of class. It had felt like trying to hold wet bars of soap in your hand...one kid was sleeping, another was trying to talk, someone had a question, someone had a comment. I broke the teacher rule and just started physically pulling my hair out and talking in gibberish. Thankfully the kids thought it was funny and didn't hold it against me too much. In fact, I recall one of my favorite students speaking up and saying, "Ok guys, let's get serious, before Ms. Bott totally loses it".

It seems that whenever I get annoyed in a place I HAVE to be in, I always try to take it internally. I do that whole passive-aggressive thing where I get very quiet, my lips get stiff, and my eyes look like someone just murdered my dog in front of me. I had that same sullen attitude the last few weeks--nah, more like months--at the school. I began coming to school later, slacking on giving the kids difficult assignments and forgetting to pass some back. It wasn't an excuse but I couldn't help shutting down. As valuable and grateful I was for the experience the teaching job gave me, as far as learning to be a leader and organized, it was even more valuable to me for showing me what I didn't want to do for the rest of my life.

But still, I admire people when I hear their stories about telling their boss or someone else deserving off. Since I don't seem to have the guts, I can live vicariously through others. Like that jetBlue guy in the news? Man, what a way to go out. And I always get such a kick out of anyone in the service industry I know who tells me about how they finally get some revenge on bitchy-ass customers, either through their manager or in the delicate realm of sarcasm. It makes me joyous...it's the best word to describe it.

Maybe someday I'll find myself in another job where I hate the people and just simply throw in the towel and do a "Half-Baked: 'F you, f you, f you, you're cool, f you, I'm out". But in the meantime, I'll just be content to say if you annoy me, I'm gonna tell you right to the back of your face...and several yards away....under my breath.