Homeward Bound Nowhere

"You still think of New Jersey as your home, don't you," Joe said as we were heading to the freeway. A few months ago we had a lovely visit with his family and we started talking about where we considered our "homes" to be now.

"I always used to." I said, pondering. "But, since my parents moved out of my old house, I dunno." I stared out the window at the passing pastures and neighborhoods.

"What about Maryland? Isn't Maryland your home now?" he continued. I didn't have a comfortable answer then and I still didn't the other day when we came upon the same subject. Again I was kinda dumbfounded.

At the drop of a hat I will align myself with my Jersey kinsmen. But I have noticed that every time I visit it feels like a piece of me is chipped away, rather than feel more complete. I think the fact my parents sold our family house lopped off my connection to really feeling like Jersey was my home. Instead of feeling grounded I usually feel more like I'm drifting along the surface, despite the fact that deep down I know my town like a soldier who has the home-advantage--knowing the terrain, places to escape (the tourists, at least), even where the nudist beach is. (not sure why a soldier would need to know that, but I'm sure it would come in handy)

Instead, when I went away to college I assembled my closest friends, established jobs, and accumulated countless memories all around Baltimore. And yet, the day I had to finally surrender my Jersey driver's license in exchange for a Maryland one, I still felt like I was betraying my home state. I'm really having a hard time with the idea of turning in my tags, too, and tyring to put it off as long as possible.

So you see how I'm torn. I always get a little uneasy about coming to visit (even this time for Mother's Day) and yet when I'm on the turnpike heading back towards Baltimore, I feel sad. It's like I'm in a perpetual state of looking at the greener grass on the other side.

It gets even more frustrating whenever Joe and I talk about the idea of getting a house. He's perfectly comfortable with the idea of settling around here, yet I feel myself digging my heels into the ground. DESPITE the fact that my friends are here, my boyfriend is here, my job is here...the idea makes me into a commitment phobe. And when my mom passes along jobs she finds for both Joe and me around the Shore, I can't quite bring myself to be OK with that either....

The solution?.....Delware....Hi, I want to live in Delaware. Seriously, Delaware makes so much sense. I could be near my beloved beach (and casinos) and yet be only an hour away from my friends. It seems perfect. But I do have the botheration of having to not only listen to Joes's opinion but I have to actually (ugh) CONSIDER his feelings...(j/k), so, dunno I'll get far with this idea.

So where is home? Is it really as simple as "where your heart is"? I'm not sure. For the time being I suppose I'll have to exist within this living-limbo. At least until I can trick Joe into getting into a moving van with all our stuff...

"Where are we going?" he'll say, "What does that sign say?...........Dover Downs?? Well, it IS a raceway AND casino...ok, hand me the boxes..."