Catch Phrase

Happy belated Thanksgiving! I still can't believe the amount of food I put away. You know, normally I try to avoid eating potatoes, stuffing, and macaroni and cheese all at once but Thanksgiving is like a glutton's free pass. And was I a glutton, with double helpings of everything and a sliver of pumpkin pie as well. Jeeze, maybe I should've walked home from New York. And speaking of which..

Yes, I had a wonderful time visiting Joe's family upstate, and no, unfortunately I have no specific embarrasing tales to relay. I didn't spill hot gravy on Grandma, I didn't fall on Joe's mom's hurt knee, I didn't break one of his sister's brand new wedding gifts, I didn't even get a chance to screw up directions...damn you GPS. I got a chance to visit with everyone and the ploy to get them to like me continues.

In fact, whenever I'm in the presence of people that are not my closest friends or family but whom I want to like me I find I become a bit of a Teddy Ruxpin. I seem to have a few prerecorded responses that I deploy depending on the conversation. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, congratulations- you have entered into my "You're not going anywhere so I can be my lousy normal self around you," category. If you do, allow me to explain my certain catch phrases and why they bubble up...

1.) "Wow". You have just said something that elicits a positive yet amazed response. I will say "wow" for anything, usually being preceded by an "oh", from the fact you informed me you got an A on a massive paper i.e. "oh wow!" to the news you are pregnant, i.e. "oh WOW!"

*DISCLAIMER- The "wow" can also sometimes be used when responding to amazingly bad news. The tone here is quieter and deeper, i.e. "You broke your leg? Oh wooow"

2.) "That's awesome." You have just said something funny and when I feel laughing is not enough I will toss in a "that's awesome," i.e. "You showed up in your underwear? Hahhahaha......that's awsome."

3.) "That's great." You have just told me good news. I usually play with the timbre and length of this phrase, i.e. "But you're doin ok? Well, that's great!", or "You made the playoffs? That's greeaat!"

4.) "Really?" You have just told me something incredible. I don't know how else to show my impressiveness. But I AM impressed. It is usually followed by a "that's great," or "oh wow," i.e. "You were prom queen? Really?? Oh wow! That's great!"

5.) "Awww" Can be both for positive or negative connotation. You have just either said something cute about someone or something, or you have poked fun at yourself. "Little Darla's first words were 'pillowcase'? Awww" or, "He said you had chubby ankles? awwww."

I am trying to get off using these words, but they kind of act like my conversation crutches. When I am in fear of not being accepted I tend to lean on these phrases for support to limp through social interactions. But it's not because I don't care; it's more I worry I won't give the correct response so I simply jiggle the Magic 8 Ball and hope the right one sifts through the blue. I think I'm starting to get better about being comfortable around Joe's family. At least I'm not saying things like, "Oh, your flower bed was torn up by wolverines...hmm, 'please try again later'..?"

Door to Door

I hate walking into doors. Not to be confused with the idea of literally walking into doors (which I have done and does suck. Stupid ultra clean glass and screen doors). Instead, what I mean is that awkward moment when either you are holding the door for someone or they are holding it for you.

Yet, before I begin this rant of my own psychosis, let me address the reason I did not post yesterday. I was all set to go downstairs to write but I just wanted to get Joe's take on the topic I had in mind. Somehow we got on the subject of the movie "Forrest Gump", and suddenly our bedroom became the setting for CNN's Crossfire. He claimed the movie to be shallow and falsely nostalgic while I defended it saying it's character development went alongside the brief moments in history. We got so deep in our debate by the time we had found a small chunk of common ground it was nearly midnight. So, I'm making up for it by talking about walking through doors. You lucky readers, you.

Anyway, the reason I got the idea for this topic was from what happened today at work. As I was walking in, I could see in the reflection of the glass door that someone was coming up behind me. I set myself in door-holding position and waited. I misjudged her distance, and instead of waiting a second, I'm waiting several. I'm starting to feel a bit like I'm making a faux pas until she gets to me and takes the door.

"Oh thank you, but you really didn't have to hold the door for me."

Ok, as I think I have made abundantly clear, I am not a fan of high pressure confrontations, no matter how minuscule they actually are. Take this "holding doors" thing. In essence it's a no-brainer. If you are opening a door and you know someone is behind you, you simply lock your arm in place to keep the door open so either they can grasp it easily or slide in behind you. Of course if you are feeling especially giving (which is what these coming holidays are all about), you might even go so far as to physically pull the door open from the outside to allow the person to walk in, like a freaking VIP, without the degradation of touching the door itself.

Now, here's where my neurotic mind takes hold. In most instances I can follow polite social protocol. If I am opening a door and I can tell someone is right behind me I'll wait and keep the door propped open. However, what do you do when the person is not right behind you? What if they aren't 2 steps away, but 12? You make the eye contact, you know they see you ahead of them. I start to panic. If I stand here like the doorman, the person will either think I'm a weirdo and ignore the gesture until they get to me or else the realize they need to hurry up so as I don't need to hold the door for very long. The latter is usually what goes through my head when the tables are turned and I find myself turned into a power-walker just to get to the door fast.

On the other hand, if I simply let the door close behind me the person could think I'm an asshole. If you don't think I'm slightly psychotic because I actually worry about holding open doors, I'm even more obsessed with making sure everyone, even strangers, like me. And when they don't, I have a small mental meltdown. Take this time about two years ago in a movie theater. I was with my two girlfriends watching all the Best Picture nominees when I wanted to stretch my legs and make a phone call. I walked into the vestibule for some privacy and when my call was completed, I tried to pull the door back open, only to find that it locked behind me. I tried to call my friends but they didn't hear their phones. So I simply waited for someone to happen along so I could grab them to let me out. Finally a man walked in to walk through to the other side, and as I realized the next movie was starting I said a brief thank you to the man and began to walk out. He suddenly spun around and said, "A 'thank you' would be nice." I thought for a second he was joking so I turned to smile and realized he was scowling. He was serious! He didn't hear my thank you and so he walked off thinking I was some spoiled ingrate who didn't appreciate a good door-hold. It eats away at me still.

So, I've always erred on the side of kindness, even keeping doors open for people still in their cars. And if someone holds a door for me, I take them by the hand and kiss their palm like they just healed leprosy...which is what that guy was expecting I guess. Anyway, I'ma sleepy one. See you kiddies tomorrow.